I’ve been searching for ways to console myself over the last four weeks. It hasn’t been the easiest thing in the world while work has been tough and I’ve been dealing with some health issues. I miss my dog every single day and it’s been hard finding anything comforting in this time. I’ve been trying to eat right, get enough sleep, lay off the alcohol, meditate every so often and get exercise where I can.
To say that I’m starting all the way over from scratch ‘new day, new outlook’ isn’t exactly what I mean from my title here. However, I am trying to find ways to be okay. To find a way to deal with this loss and how it has reshaped the way I relate to people right now.
For the past year I’ve been dealing with issues from my IUD. Just hasn’t been a good fit for me and my body has hated it in many ways. I’ve tried to push through because that’s always the thing I’ve heard as a woman going into the doctor’s office ‘give it some time/it’s probably not as bad as you think/being in this much pain is normal’. But it wasn’t normal and I made the decision to finally have it removed. It’s already night and day in terms of how I feel.
But it’s sometimes those little things that can have the biggest impact on me. It was seriously hurting my body every month for over a year. I was missing runs and doubled over in pain. Maybe it’s my fault for waiting so long but I was trying to give it a fair go. I can’t know until I know.
I dropped about 5 lbs over the last month which surprised me today when I went to the doctor’s office. I wasn’t trying in any way but I do know that the stress of the month, all the walking and running I had done in Paris probably would’ve had had some kind of effect on me. It just shows me how kind of Not Okay I am.
But I’m getting there. I’m a week away from running my last two races of the year. I haven’t run in about a week (due to IUD pain) and I’m just excited for them. It’s going to be hot and muggy but my costumes (Rey and Leia) are going to be solid ones for me to end the year on. I’m excited to spend more time with my soon-to-be-husband hanging around the parks, eating all the things at the Food & Wine festival and giving myself some more time to get over things.
The truth is, I work myself to the bone at work and it’s been one of those months that have caused many people to jump ship. Changes that are affecting everyone in bad ways and it’s been difficult to keep myself motivated. But then I help a student and they are so appreciative and it all comes back to me as to why I even do this in the first place.
Even so, the whole damn point of this blog was to dedicate a space to myself, to talk about myself whether or not anyone reads it. The biggest thing for me these past few weeks is just getting through a day without falling to pieces and crying. We saw a dog running on the side of the road yesterday and Alex and I plus a few others were trying to catch it but the thing was so terrified it ran past us into a neighborhood and we couldn’t find it. It was tough to drive away but there was just no way we would’ve been able to search through the maze of people’s backyards to find the little guy.
It’s stuff like that that’s been just getting to me hard. The election, our political climate, the news, the constant pressure at work. I’ve been trying to make some sense of these things but sometimes it’s just going to suck and be awful. There’s only so much that I can really allow to saturate my mind right now. If I let it all in, I’m going to shut down. Self preservation and all that. Selfish in a lot of ways, I know but I’m not effective if I’m just lying around crying.
But at the end of the day, what I’m really aching from is the loss of Strider. He’s always there in my mind. I bought a little Zero stuffed animal at Disneyland this weekend because I needed the comfort. I haven’t been to DAWGS to volunteer since before my trip to Paris because I’ve just needed time before I can really interact with another dog right now. When Alex and I move next year into a house, I could get a dog if I want but right now, it’s kind of far from my mind when I’m still grieving and wishing Strider was back.
So I guess this isn’t really the OMG I’M SUDDENLY SUPER HAPPY AND RESOLVED TO BE HAPPY AGAIN kind of reset post. I just know for myself that I’m another step above where I was a few weeks ago. Work has died down a bit, I have my IUD out, I’m going to get new much needed running shoes soon and I’m heading into the thick of marathon training soon (well I should be there but I’m not even going to give myself shit for that because life has been….life. There’s honestly more important things than running in my life right now).
However, that’s not to discount how appreciative I was that I got to do the runs in Paris and will get to do the runs next month. I had so much fun, I loved my costumes, I loved running with my best friend. The medals were also super beautiful and I’m ecstatic to get my Castle to Chateau medal next week as well after running the half in Orlando.
In the meantime, I am taking care of myself the best way I can. I’ve been giving a lot of thought to this blog and I still want to be able to write about my races. Maybe I’ll start actually doing more recaps and talking about what I’m doing with my training. But small steps. Right now it’s still one day at a time until I feel steady again.
One really bright shining element is that we have our save the dates and have been sending them out. I started working on my bouquet. I can’t stop sharing that I’m getting married in 6 months. I can’t wait.